Children are our most precious resource.
Children are our future.
Our children deserve nothing but the best to grow their impressionable little minds.
So why is children's entertainment so terrible?
Every day, in living rooms across the country, parents are parking their kids in front of the TV with little to no thought as to what it is they're watching. Oh, they're not putting on Die Hard or the Exorcist. They're tuning into Disney Junior or Nickelodeon or popping in a Blu-Ray they picked up that afternoon with the vague thought "the kids'll like it". They're making sure their children aren't being exposed to pornography or graphic violence. What they mostly aren't doing is checking to see if it's any good.
Now, "good" is a very subjective term, and one that is pretty often tossed aside when it comes to kids' movies. "I don't really like it," thinks the caring parent, "but they do. It might not be good, but it's good enough for a kid's movie." Forgetting that a billion dollar industry is cranking out crap every second of every day hoping no one will pay attention to it, because it's "good enough for a kids' movie".
Now I remember being a kid. I remember being sat down in front of a few real stinkers. I have particular memories of a video called Leo the Lion, King of the Jungle, a direct-to-video nightmare sold entirely on the hope that its target audience would only notice the middle two words of that title. I remember feeling my hard-won intellect leaking out through my ears, but also feeling distinctly (and most likely incorrectly) that if I were to let my Mom know that I hated this movie she'd bought me, I would hurt her feelings. So I held my silence.
Leo the Lion, King of the Jungle, which I fully intend to review in its entire awful glory on this blog, had lacklustre animation, irritating characters, a trite (even for little kids) moral that was lathered on with all the subtlety of a shovel to the face, and it had songs. Oh my sweet Jesus, it had songs. Awful little noodles of neither pleasant tune nor moving lyric, sung by voice actors with no singing ability. But by God, those Disney fellas had songs, so Leo the Lion had better have some @#*% songs too.
The problem is, nobody's minding the store. The people making these things don't care. The people buying these things don't care - that's the great trick. Nobody cares except maybe the kids watching, and only if they're aware in a vague way that a crime on their psyche is being committed.
Well, no more! No more Leo the Lions, say I! I make it my solemn duty to be the only person above the age of ten who cares about these movies. To paraphrase another, better internet critic, I care about them so you don't have to.
I'll be reviewing children's movies, mostly the kind that come direct-to-video and therefore fly under the radar of the more established critics, and I'll be reviewing them based on the following five categories:
Story - Is the story predictable? Does it try to do anything new? I mean, every story is brand-new to a five-year old, but that's no reason not to at least try to make it unique.
Moral - Is there a moral at all? Is it an acceptable moral for a child in the 21st century? Is it delivered respectfully through characters and situations? This is the category where "harmless" movies are separated from actual crimes against children.
Songs - Are there songs? Full marks if there are not. If there are, are they at least decent? Please??
Execution - Does it work as a movie? This is very subjective but very easy to determine. For example, I have to date seen three animated versions of Beauty and the Beast. Only one of them can claim to be actually entertaining, though all three tell the exact same story.
Did My Kids Like It? This is the only category I won't be judging for myself. We have to be fair - sometimes the kids are right. I'll be asking my two children their thoughts on the matter.
A movie that succeeds at each category will receive a score of 5/5. On point will be lost for each failing category.
Away we go!
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